So much in my brain…

I, being an idea driven person, am always in my head. I think and think and think about things and often times it stops me from making them happen.

I have been feeling a wealth of emotions over that last few weeks, longing for my second home in Colorado, wanting to stay in Cleveland to see explore every inch of it, having the urge to runaway somewhere new and just stay there. All these feelings contradict each other and it feels like my brain is pulling in 10 different directions.

This summer, I have been doing a lot of reflection. Thinking about the future, the present, my current path in life, where I want it to go, etc. And I find that my desires, what I want to do with myself and what I want my legacy to be are going in divergent paths. The humanitarian in me and the artist in me are having a tug-of-war with my brain on what it is I should devote my life to.

On one hand, I absolutely adore fashion. If I could submerge myself in it 24/7 I would. I love that fashion can be grand, luxurious, and indulgent and be gritty, edgy, and down right dirty all at the same time. The culture, the cult of clothing is like the witch with the shiny red apple, only this time, I know it will inject it’s poison into every inch of me, and I still want it.

If I went into fashion, I know I would turn into “that girl” the one that lives and dies for the shoes in her closet, and can’t imagine leaving the house in anything that doesn’t have a print, a sparkle, or a pleat. I would give myself over to a world of shallow self obsessed poseurs who’s only goal is to be seen being seen. Oddly enough, I’m completely ok with that.

But, do I want my legacy to be that I helped the fashion challenged not to buy ugly clothes, or something more substantial? Enter applied social sciences.

I want to help people, I want to make my community an amazing place for everyone, even the people who can’t afford it, and unfortunately I can’t do that by preaching the evils of Croc’s. I don’t think that it needs much explanation, the humanitarian in me wants to help human kind. It’s not glamorous, no shwanky parties involved, I won’t make a lot of money, and I won’t be surrounded by the young and fabulous.

It will make me feel better about myself to choose the latter option, to keep my self-righteous attitude about elitism and equity. But what happens when all you really wanna do is sell your soul?

A New Philosophy…

Lately, I have been working a lot and talking with people who are a bit older than me and it has made me realize a few things.

The first, is that college never really ends, happy hours and function after parties ensure that you will have just as much potentially embarrassing boozy fun as you did in college. The bright side is you are legally allowed to have this fun, the down side, if you do something stupid and drunk, the consequences might be worse.

Another thing is that I’ve realized time is dwindling. This fall, I will be a junior, inevitably the year will go by in flash and I will be a senior with no more summers and no more time to be a mooch. I need to explore, be reckless, and shameful, and maybe even a little naïve while I can. This realization has created a spark in me, and for all the reasons why anyone would flee to the big city…

Summer Daze

So, things this summer are looking up.

One of my best friends that goes to MIT introduced me to a friend of hers who will be doing research at Cleveland Clinic for the summer. This is a great start to reaching my goal of meeting new people. Plus, I got to hang out with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while, so that was nice.

This weekend one of my good friends from highschool is coming home for a few days, I’m really excited to see her.

This summer is turning out to be a lot better than I thought that it would be. If things continue at this trajectory, I’m in for a great time, before an AMAZING year back at school.

Afternoon Delight…

Or, more like morning delight. or morning reflection because it’s actually not that delightful. But like an afternoon quickie, this will be a quick one.

I can’t remember the last time that I read something that resonated with me to strongly. I read this Tuesday, and it still pops into my idle mind. It was eerily relevant to how I was feeling, and not in the ‘I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of something that happened to me’ way, but in the ‘I was literally saying/thinking this exact thing and it’s like the author pulled the thoughts out of my head and put them on paper’ kind of way.

Here’s the article, and I hope it touches everyone who reads it as much as it touched me.

http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness/?cross-campus

A dopo!

Everything and Nothing…

I’ve been away for a while, but I’ve been busy working so at least that’s kind of an excuse.

I never knew how true the tired old “intern” stereotype was until now. I work 30 hour weeks (not that much, but in social servicec and development those days can be LONG) sometimes more, dealing with finicky people and difficult companies and get paid nothing. I go home frustrated, or exhausted, or just completely out of it, with no paycheck to show for it at the end of the day. When the weekends come, I’m too broke to do anything, and can’t even afford to go to chipotle let alone get dinner with friends. If I only I had the time/energy for a night job. Not having a car doesn’t help much either.

But I will survive, I will just have to be a freeloader and ask my parents for money, I’m still young and what else is college for other than an excuse to mooch off your parents for 4 years of your “adulthood”?

It’s very interesting working in a field where so many things intersect, I feel like community development corporations are like super heroes, at least the ones that are actually doing things in their communities. They are like event planners, code enforcers, politicians, volunteers, recreational planners, realty consultants, business managers, crisis consultants, social workers, and all in one, and that list goes on. I’ve really been able to see how intelligent and flexible the people that I work with are. They have to navigate so many different work settings, from crunchy granola grassroots organizations to fortune 500 international corporations. Everyday, I feel like this is the kind of work that I want to, but I will definitely have a lot to think about and a lot of work to do.

Otherwise, my life is pretty uneventful. All my friends will soon be fleeing from the Cleve to frolic around the world sailing and doing research and just generally being awesome. Hopefully I’ll get to see them soon, I miss them dearly.

I don’t want to spend my whole summer waiting for school to start, but I’m already feeling that way, and I can’t imagine the summer getting anymore exciting, unless I happen to meet some new people, which I’m totally down for. I want to enjoy this summer, because it is probably the last summer that I will be this carefree, I’ll probably move out of my house, for at least part of the summer and I’ll have to get a job in addition to interning or whatever else I do. I will be working myself to the bone, and my friends will probably still not be home (suburban kids, pfft!) and so I’ll be making do. Then it will be senior year. I don’t want all this amazingness to slip through my fingers and realize when I’m sitting in my cap and gown at graduation, that I didn’t take advantage of every bit of time that I had to be carefree and happy.

Hopefully it wo’n’t come to that, and now I’ve got a date with the kitchen.

A dopo!

Saturdays are great…

Today, despite the terrible weather, was a great day. I got up pretty early, I’m not sure why, and made breakfast. Eggs, toast, home fries, and bacon, it was pretty satisfying and I got to catch up on Sponge Bob. Afterwards I took a little nap and watched Man V. Food and then got dressed to go to the West Side Market in Ohio City. I made out with a lot of great things including some nice instagram photos and some carrot apple juice. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get what I went there for, a sausage that I tried yesterday in a steam bun from Noodle Cat. I literally have been thinking about this sausage since 2 in the afternoon yesterday.

After getting some great food and herbs at the market we went to Johnny Mango, a casual café/restaurant deal that has a lot of vegetarian and gluten free options. I got the fried plantains served with pico di gallo and the nachos with grilled chicken. It was so good, those plantains were out of this world.

Now am at home trying not to fall asleep, but I’m thinking a nap is in order. The market was super crowded and crowded places are so exhausting.

Monday was my first day at my internship. I am working in the Ohio City neighborhood and, even though I haven't really done much, since I've only been working here 3 days I'm even more excited than I was when I got the position. I think that this will be one of the most rewarding work experiences that I've had. Not to say that I've had many, and of course, since my last work experience over the summer was working at Pizza Hut at the zoo, that's not much to compare. But really, I think that this really might be something that I can see myself doing for the long hall. I just have to decide exactly what it is that I want to do... I really am stuck between working with the residential side and working with people, and the marketing/events side. Both things I'm really into, I love planning events, I live for logistics and planning and organizing thing and then seeing them come into fruition, but I always love helping people and being involved with people directly, so I don't really know which way to go. I'll probably end up with the residential team, but I would love to volunteer at events and such, it's not like a have anything else to do at this point. 

I guess it's good that career/school wise everything is going pretty well, because as far as my personal life is concerned I'm pretty clueless. Things with a good friend of mine that have always been a little weird (i.e. we've always had a FWB kind of relationship) are at the height of weirdness, we'll see how long that lasts and a friend of mine from school seems to be a front runner in romantic possibilities. That being said, I can't shake the feeling that someone knew needs to, and will enter my life, and the prospect is pretty exciting. I just have no clue where this new person is going to come from. I would also like to make some new friends, seeing as all of mine are abandoning me, and by abandoning I mean doing great things with their lives in other parts of the world, so I'm gonna be here for most of the summer by myself. It's great but it's scary, I don't want to spend my summer hanging out with my mom. How lame would that be?

So, we shall see where the rest of the day, and the rest of the summer takes me. Hopefully I will be able to keep myself busy, meet some awesome people, and be happy this summer. Because even though I love Cleveland, and I made a bit of money last year, I couldn't wait to get back to school and that was only 2 1/2 months. I want to be happy this summer, I want to have a reason to comeback because at this point, the only thing keeping me here is the hope I have for the future of this city. Not to sound overly sentimental or anything...