Positive note… sort of?

I can finally see the end of the block, 2 days and I’m free for almost 2 weeks. It’s cliché but I can totally taste the freedom. In addition to my pending freedom/vacation I have some things happening in my love life that are definitely looking up. Someone quite regular and some other possibilities are perking up my personal life and making the net couple blocks seem very promising on the social front. I haven’t figured things out completely but I’m definitely feeling like some good things are going happen.

On a less long term note I just returned from CC’s library with some promising reads. Ever since high school and the drastic increase in work and effort that school involved, I’ve found that I’ve gone from reading multiple books a week (I was a bit of a book worm in middle school) to not reading for pleasure at all. I got a little taste of it during my senior project in which I worked at my school’s library and was my favorite librarians personal book reviewer. I spent more than my fair share of time with my nose in a book. I enjoyed every second and it was a welcome reprieve from TV and the monotony of school readings. Unfortunately after that I didn’t have much time or desire to read for pleasure and once I got to college all my readings were class assigned and plentiful. I’ve had a few spurts of pleasure reading, picking things up from time to time—I always find time to read Angela Davis and I read some Malcolm Gladwell as well—but I haven’t really put aside time to read. Now, with my upcoming vacation and new found free time I have a stack of books that is begging to be read:

The Physics of Star Trek

Sophie’s World (a personal favorite)

“Surely you’re joking, Mr. Feynman” Adventure of a Curious Character

The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and Other Clinical Tales

Roadside Picnic

There will be updates, hopefully I’ll have some new favorites. But alas it is time for me to finish my final paper.

A dopo!

A little less than ideal…

So as the end of block 7 is drawing to a close and this semester is getting to the halfway point I’m kind of freaking out. Everyday I listen to my roommates and friends talk about all the things that they are applying for and what they are planning on doing this summer. As of now, I have tentative plans and no confirmations for anything, needless to say I feel like I am falling behind the pack. I have so many ideas of things that I want to do but I am kind of stuck in this rut of not knowing how to get the things that I want.

I made a tentative plan about a month ago: archaeology in Costa Rica, and then thesis research and an internship with either the Attorney General or the Legal Aid Society of Cleveland. But since I don’t really know if any of them are going to happen I feel like I’m not doing all that I should to plan my summer. I barely made spring break plans, luckily I figured things out, but even that was a struggle.

Last year I felt like I had everything in place. I was in Italy, I knew what I was doing when I got back and I didn’t have this uncertainty. Now I just don’t know…

Hopefully things will come together in the next month or so, I don’t think that I would be sane if I went into 8th block not knowing what my summer was going to be like. So for now I’m just going to try not to stress too much about my summer and enjoy the rest of my junior year. In a week it will be spring break and I will be finishing applications, making phone calls and sending out emails, perhaps I’ll even make time to hang out with friends. A week after that I will be in Dayton Beach soaking up sun and hanging out with my roommate and a friend which will be a much needed reprieve. I’m super excited to actually have some time for a vacation and then I can come back fully refreshed and ready for my next block class which will be a class analyzing the music of Gershwin. It’s with one of my favorite professors who is currently writing a book about Gershwin so it’s going to be an amazing class.

I guess at this point I’m starting to really experience some of the uncertainty of the real world. I‘m not sure how I like having my life precariously balancing between order and total chaos but I guess it’s something that I will have to get used to. Maybe even one day I’ll embrace it. For now I’ll try to keep thing together as best as I can, and until then…

A dopo!

It’s been a while…

Today I realized that I hadn’t really blogged much lately (and by lately I mean at all) since the summer. I’ve been exceptionally busy and I haven’t really had the time or the energy to write about myself. Although, given my past few months I probably should have taken some time out for introspection. I guess I can start with the general things.

My school year started off with Race in The American Musical, a Music History class that I got to take with one of my favorite professors at CC, Ryan Bañagale. My next classes were Youth, Power, and Social Movements taught by Maria Varela who was an active member of SNCC during the Civil Rights Movement, Research and Design for Anthropology Majors which really helped me to zero in on a topic for my thesis, and then Women, Men, and Others: A Study of Gender Cross Culturally which was an awesome class that culminated in an awesome class wide Community Based research project.

I think my first semester academically was one of my best at CC and I really worked hard to do well in all of my classes. It was really cool to be around so many influential people and really open myself up intellectually to all that CC had to offer. One thing I think I’ve taken for granted is the wealth of knowledge and expertise that is available at CC through it’s faculty and staff, we have some really reputable people who have made many strides in their fields and sometimes I can’t even believe the people that I get to meet. Of all my professors, I think that Maria Varela is one that I will never forget. Knowing the things that she did as a student and how involved she was in an organization that literally changed American society leaves me in awe every time. And then being able to speak with her and pick her brain about activism and community organizing and mobilizing people is an opportunity that not many people get to have.

Personally, first semester was a struggle. I was really stressed out to the point that I was having a lot of anxiety about producing for my clubs and groups and classes on top of all of the financial stuff I was dealing with. I really struggled with getting that in check. On top of that romantically I was dealing with  confusing situation with a guy from home, it wasn’t surprising though because I tend to have complicated and stupid romantic relationships. That all came to a head during winter break when I realized I couldn’t put in effort for someone who clearly didn’t think they needed to put in effort for me. Long story short, it ended before it started.

Winter break was a time when I really had to deal with the things that were causing me anxiety. I had to sit down and evaluate how I wanted to move forward so that things didn’t overwhelm me like they had. I think I found a sense of clarity in my mindset. I worked, and I spent time with family and really got to have a grounded break. Then I went back to school for half block and took Accelerate Portuguese which really ignited my passion for being challenged. I think I had a huge transition in mindset over break, it was refreshing.

Now that I it is second semester and I’m staring my Senior year in the face, I have started to get a little panicked about my future. Not that I don’t think I won’t be able to find something that I like, but that I don’t really know what I want to do. The end game is the same, I want to impact my community greatly and do significant things for underprivileged people, but there are so many ways to do it. So, right now I’m trying to figure out my plan of action for the next couple years. But hey at least I’ve got a house!

For now, I think that this has been a good enough update, don’t want to write a novel, but perhaps I’ll start updating more often.

A dopo!

Back at the CC

My summer, as you can probably surmise, was uneventful, but certainly full of love, surprises, excitement, and friends. I don't think that I could have possibly had a better summer considering the circumstances, and I got to meet, and get closer to some really great people. I've even come to love my city even more than I did before, which is certainly saying something.
I have to say the single best part of my summer were the places that I got to see, the little hidden gems that would have totally evaded my radar had I not done my internship. I learned a lot about myself and the people around me and I can easily say that the people in Cleveland have proven once again that we are a city of love, even if we aren’t glamorous or fancy, or particularly exceptional in other people’s eyes.
The friends that I’ve made, and the ones I reevaluated and came to love more were also a great part of the summer. Just thinking about all of the amazing moments that I had makes my insides feel warm and fuzzy. One of the best nights was drinks and hookah with my girlfriends. It was the same group of us that it had been in high school, minus one, and for that moment, we all came back together and it felt right. Even though in many ways we’ve grown apart, it's still nice to know that we can get together, reminisce about old times, and talk about our lives now. I guess the idea that we still value each other enough to make room and time in our lives for each  other is really nice.
So, now I’m back at CC, and I feel like I’m in a totally different world. Seeing friends and acquaintances alike has been great and I had more than one moment when I was just totally overwhelmed by all the people that were happy I was back. It’s always nice to be missed, even if it is kind of selfish. There are the familiar sights, smells, happenings going on and it’s pretty comforting, but it’s also pretty exciting because there are still so many new things. There are renovations that I’m just now discovering, new things in people’s lives, my new apartment and my roommates. It’s all enough to make these first few weeks of being back pretty novel.
In my opinion, I’ve got a great year ahead of me. It’s going to be exceptionally challenging, and filled with so much more responsibility, but I think I’m ready. I want to be challenged and excited about the things that I’m doing. So here’s to being back at school, to summer slipping away with all it’s amazing memories, and to what is to happen in the future: getting older, wiser, making mistakes, and being forced to admit when you’re wrong and need help. Here’s to taking chances.
A dopo!

Summertime is Play Time

I have finally had an indulgent experience, I was beginning to think that I would not reach my goal this summer.

2 nights this weekend I was out until 5 in the morning. I met some awesome people, including a guy, and got to hang out with some friends, including the guy that I had been wanting to hang out with for a while. For a change things were going very well as far as my social life was concerned.

The guy that I met Friday night was probably as close to an intellectual match as I have ever had. It was kind of like kismet, as cheesy as that sounds. We talked for 3 hours and we had so many things in common, it was kind of scary that we were so compatible. He asked for my number and we’ve been texting back and forth, it’s insane how easy he is to talk to, it feels like we’ve been friends for ages. I’m thinking that this could be a really awesome friendship, who knows if it will become more than that. Either way I am quite interested in getting to know him better, and happy that I met him. Gives me hope that there are guys out there who aren’t just completely clueless.

Saturday was nice, I watched a movie with a guy I’ve been semi-crushing on for years. Again, it was kind of insane how comfortable we felt with each other and it turned out to be a great night. I’m hoping that we get to hang out more, but even if we don’t I’m still glad for that one night. I didn’t let my brain get in the way of how I felt and what I wanted. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

I also realized that I am in absolutely no position to be wanting a boyfriend, at least not a serious one. Although now I can see the benefits and the value in having one, eventually. I’m going to be starting my junior year and I want to focus on myself, and my friends, and not have a distraction. Also, is it so bad to want to be able to see what options are out there? I can’t be making up my mind about one particular person when I have no idea what I even want to do with myself.

So, here goes the final stretch of my summer, hopefully I’ll end it with a bang. I can only imagine how great the school year is and hopefully it is even better than summer has been.

A dopo!

So much in my brain…

I, being an idea driven person, am always in my head. I think and think and think about things and often times it stops me from making them happen.

I have been feeling a wealth of emotions over that last few weeks, longing for my second home in Colorado, wanting to stay in Cleveland to see explore every inch of it, having the urge to runaway somewhere new and just stay there. All these feelings contradict each other and it feels like my brain is pulling in 10 different directions.

This summer, I have been doing a lot of reflection. Thinking about the future, the present, my current path in life, where I want it to go, etc. And I find that my desires, what I want to do with myself and what I want my legacy to be are going in divergent paths. The humanitarian in me and the artist in me are having a tug-of-war with my brain on what it is I should devote my life to.

On one hand, I absolutely adore fashion. If I could submerge myself in it 24/7 I would. I love that fashion can be grand, luxurious, and indulgent and be gritty, edgy, and down right dirty all at the same time. The culture, the cult of clothing is like the witch with the shiny red apple, only this time, I know it will inject it’s poison into every inch of me, and I still want it.

If I went into fashion, I know I would turn into “that girl” the one that lives and dies for the shoes in her closet, and can’t imagine leaving the house in anything that doesn’t have a print, a sparkle, or a pleat. I would give myself over to a world of shallow self obsessed poseurs who’s only goal is to be seen being seen. Oddly enough, I’m completely ok with that.

But, do I want my legacy to be that I helped the fashion challenged not to buy ugly clothes, or something more substantial? Enter applied social sciences.

I want to help people, I want to make my community an amazing place for everyone, even the people who can’t afford it, and unfortunately I can’t do that by preaching the evils of Croc’s. I don’t think that it needs much explanation, the humanitarian in me wants to help human kind. It’s not glamorous, no shwanky parties involved, I won’t make a lot of money, and I won’t be surrounded by the young and fabulous.

It will make me feel better about myself to choose the latter option, to keep my self-righteous attitude about elitism and equity. But what happens when all you really wanna do is sell your soul?

A New Philosophy…

Lately, I have been working a lot and talking with people who are a bit older than me and it has made me realize a few things.

The first, is that college never really ends, happy hours and function after parties ensure that you will have just as much potentially embarrassing boozy fun as you did in college. The bright side is you are legally allowed to have this fun, the down side, if you do something stupid and drunk, the consequences might be worse.

Another thing is that I’ve realized time is dwindling. This fall, I will be a junior, inevitably the year will go by in flash and I will be a senior with no more summers and no more time to be a mooch. I need to explore, be reckless, and shameful, and maybe even a little naïve while I can. This realization has created a spark in me, and for all the reasons why anyone would flee to the big city…